Dear HugeBank,
You just built a new building by the Kmart here in town. It is your 3rd large box store bank building you have built. I have been with you for 20 years, before you even had your own drive up.

My interest rates on my past many loans helped build your bank buildings but now that I am in a little trouble, you say you can’t help me. Maybe you should invest in your community and help people instead of building ginormous big box banks.

I did get a loan from a bank that doesn’t even know me, but is local and heard my story…you used to be a local bank, but your big box store buildings now say other wise.

Dear UltraBank,
Thank you so much for depositing an extra $890 into our account for no reason, when we verified with you you confirmed it was a missing deposit we had made. We still did not understand but you insisted it was our money until you decided to withdraw it out of our account over two weeks later to overdraw our account and then tack on over 10 overdraft fees.

Dear HulkBank,
Thank you so much for making me feel like a pointless number. I love going into your impersonal tiny lobby and just get asked “account number”. I dont need to feel like a person with feelings. I love being a number.

Dear MegaBank,
Once upon a time, a young husband and wife bought a small farm to raise their family on and make an honest living, just as the man’s father and grandfather had done before him, a real-life dream come true. He found a wonderful hometown bank to work with, and life was truly a fairy tale. Then one day, a big scary monster called the MegaBank came creeping up behind the hometown bank and swallowed it up! The Monster MegaBank chewed up and spit out the farmer and all his dreams, along with all the other family farms. No notice, no warning…they were done. The family gathered around and wiped each other’s tears as the tractors were sold to pay off the Monster MegaBank, and the fairy tale life as they knew it came to an screeching halt. Is this how Cinderella felt as the clock struck midnight? So, thank you Monster MegaBank for teaching me at an early age that fairy tales don’t come true and there is no “and they lived happily ever after.”

Dear RoboBank,

I would like to take a moment to tell you how much I appreciated the scenery on the four hour drive I took to reach a branch that was authorized to cash in my CD. Not only was it a wonderful opportunity to enjoy the mountain passes and changing of state borders, I got a new found respect for the town you reside in. Spending three hours there waiting for you to have time to help me was well worth the wait. Although you had more employees than customers, I’m sure they all appreciated that you allowed them to take their lunch breaks prior to my service. When I called your customer service line, to ensure I had all of the proper paperwork, I got a good laugh at the fact that I was a valued customer, as my whole experience took eight and a half hours. So did the operator when he remarked that the work on your behalf would only take about fifteen minutes. I sure was shocked to know I could make such a large transaction without a signature. It’s amazing what you can do these days. Sincerely

Dear StupendousBank,

My heartfelt thanks for letting me have the privilege of using your debit card, and when a business makes a mistake, I get to help pay that fee!! Even though they called and explained they had billed me twice… thank you for the overdraft fee, and the marvelous 3 business day rule of refunding the money.

Dear GiantBank,
I needed a savings account to help me manage my money. You graciously charged me 100 dollars to open up and allow me the privilage to save my money with you. I am so glad helped me with my money matters.

Dear RoboBank,

I appreciate your diligence and attention to detail, which no doubt lead to your need for government bailout. I know it is this attitude which lead you to reject a signed release from a client because it “didn’t look enough like” his original signature. I had no idea you were handwriting experts! But the best part was your suggested solution – that I have him sign another release and have him “make his signature look more like the original one”! What a great idea! What the hey, why not just have anyone sign the release and “make the signature look more like the original one”? Seems like you guys know a lot about making things look like they ought to look.

Dear RoboBank,

When I sent that release from the executor of the Estate of the deceased borrower (three times, because you lost the other two) so that we could pay off the mortgage, and you said you couldn’t accept it because the signature didn’t match the borrower’s, I have to thank you! It made me realize you do believe in the supernatural if you thought I could get a dead person’s signature! So I then called back and asked for the Medium department, figuring you could help me get in touch with the dead borrower. I then realized while you may believe in the supernatural, you have no sense of humor.

Dear JumboBank,
Thank you for screwing up my credit score by lowering all of my available credit limits to the next dollar closest to my balance. Showing that I now “use” almost every penny extended my way from your mere generosity is a real genuine reflection of the type of consumer you wanted me to look like versus the responsible consumer that I actually am. Once again, screwing the consumer over to save your own ass. One company dropped my $10,000 limit to just above my $2800 balance. Hmmm.

Dear RoboBank,
Thank you for turning me down for a $300 line of credit. Good thing the credit union in my community looked at ALL of ME, and not just the ME on paper. Now, I’ve gladly given them ALL my accounts including my mortgage, auto and personal loans!

Dear HugeBank,
Thank you for increasing my APR on my credit card and cutting my limit! You have have shown me the way to my nearest credit union!!!

Dear HugeBank,
Thank you for putting me through the embarrassment of trying to purchase lunch one day and having the person tell me that my card was declined because somehow I did not have money in my account. Oddly enough, all my funds reappeared the next day and you were of no help in explaining what happened.

Dear MegaBank,
Thank you for jacking up my credit card rate to 20% for no reason. I’ve never missed a payment, never been late, never caused you a loss, and yet you treat me like I was in default. I was totally loyal to your brand until you thought it was a good idea to jam me. I am glad to say that I opened a credit union credit card the next day and will never look back. Goodbye and good riddance!

Dear EnormaBank,

Thank you for telling me that all I needed to do to close my accounts was to simply empty my accounts stop using them. Imagine my surprise when, 6 months later, I got a notice from you that I owed you money because you kept transferring money from my idle and empty checking account to my idle and apparently not-so-empty savings account. And thank you for having me to pay the money that was never mine to begin with back. I appreciate your customer service.

Dear HugeBank,
Thank you so so so much for giving me a fee of 25$ for overdrafting my account for .15 cents, first time in 3 years being with you. I love how carefully you watch my money.

Dear HugeBank,
Thank you for the wonderful interest rate of 18% on my first truck loan! It only took me 15 years to pay it off!

Dear MondoBank,

I’d like to take this time to thank you for your convenient lobby hours. Being closed by the time I get off work makes it so easy for me to meet one on one with the bankers I need to talk to about my credit card, loans, and any other important information. I do suppose staying open until people can actually come in would overload you with actual customers and take time away from your filing away my money. I guess I can take my lunch hour to do my banking- who needs to eat lunch anyway? Right?

Dear HugeBank,
It warms my heart to know that through your fees and the gov’t bailout your CEO’s are able to continue to live in the style to which they have been accustomed.

Dear HugeBank,
I am glad you gave me this overdraft priveledge so I could unknowingly rack up $243 in overdraft fees. I feel so overly priveledged fot this opportunity!